I'm Sorry. I'm sorry for being the wrong kind of kid for you. I'm sorry I'm always disappointing you. I'm sorry for acting like a boy when all you want is your little girl. I'm sorry for all the times i stomped off and threw tantrums because i was upset or grouchy because i stayed up late the night before and had to get up early. I wish i could be a better daughter to you. I wish you knew how sorry i really am for everything I've messed up on. You have every right to shout at me and tell me what i did wrong and make sure i know it.
If i knew that by cutting my hair and changing my style of clothes i would make this much of a spectacle of myself, i wouldn't have done it. I would've kept my long hair and kept wearing my shorts and flip flops like all the other normal girls do. All i've ever wanted to do in my life is make you proud and i know now that i'm not making you proud because i want to wear boys shirts and have my hair short. I never wanted to disappoint you and now i know that that's just what i'm doing.
I love you and i hope you know that no matter what i may do in my life and what decisions or choices i decide to make you'll always be my mom and ill always look up to you. I can't handle disappointing people; it literally hurts me when i know i've disappointed someone, especially you or dad. So after all this, i just hope you know that i'm sorry.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Thoughts While In Pain...
I grew up knowing that some day i would get married to the guy of my dreams and have kids and live happily ever after. That was how i thought my life would happen until my grade eleven year of high school.
I became friends with a girl that was in a grade younger than me and we became close friends after a few months of hanging out during lunch hours and such. Now, i'd been questioning my sexuality since the beginning of the school year so it didn't come as much of a surprise to me that i began to like her as more than just my best friend. She was the very first person i ever came out to and as it turns out, she's bisexual and had liked me for the past two months. I'm a lesbian, so when she told me she liked me, i was ecstatic.
She later told me that she still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend, but she also had feelings for me. We've been on our first date and it went excellent, which gives me a little assurance but i still worry that she will decide to be with him instead. We've talked about this all before and she always tells me she doesn't want to hurt me but she can't decide what to do about her feelings for the guy she likes. He's older than her, (much older. She's 15, almost 16, and he's 26. I'm 16, in case you were wondering) and i get the strangest pang of jealousy every time she talks about him because i know she still has really strong feeling for him. All in all, i just want to hear her decision because whatever she decides to do is fine with me as long as she's happy. Sure, i'd be heartbroken if she didn't choose me, but i'd get over it. It's not the end of the world. She's one of the most important people in the world to me.
She's a sweet girl and I'd do anything for her; she really is one of my best friends on the whole world.
DFTBA, may the odds be ever in your favor, blah blah blah the end, and ill see you later!
I became friends with a girl that was in a grade younger than me and we became close friends after a few months of hanging out during lunch hours and such. Now, i'd been questioning my sexuality since the beginning of the school year so it didn't come as much of a surprise to me that i began to like her as more than just my best friend. She was the very first person i ever came out to and as it turns out, she's bisexual and had liked me for the past two months. I'm a lesbian, so when she told me she liked me, i was ecstatic.
She later told me that she still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend, but she also had feelings for me. We've been on our first date and it went excellent, which gives me a little assurance but i still worry that she will decide to be with him instead. We've talked about this all before and she always tells me she doesn't want to hurt me but she can't decide what to do about her feelings for the guy she likes. He's older than her, (much older. She's 15, almost 16, and he's 26. I'm 16, in case you were wondering) and i get the strangest pang of jealousy every time she talks about him because i know she still has really strong feeling for him. All in all, i just want to hear her decision because whatever she decides to do is fine with me as long as she's happy. Sure, i'd be heartbroken if she didn't choose me, but i'd get over it. It's not the end of the world. She's one of the most important people in the world to me.
She's a sweet girl and I'd do anything for her; she really is one of my best friends on the whole world.
DFTBA, may the odds be ever in your favor, blah blah blah the end, and ill see you later!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
How Much Longer?
How much longer will i have to wait? it's been two weeks that we've both known and probably months before that that it's been going on yet we still can't move forward from this point. I just wish that for a moment you could look at this through my eyes and see what i see; feel what i feel. If only you actually knew how much i wanted this... Sadly, it's not just me in the picture. I want so badly for you to pick me, but at the same time i know how much you want to be with him and it breaks my heart to know that i might not get the chance to be in the picture much longer... I just feel like there's something more i could do to show you how much you mean to me and how much i want this but i can't seem to figure out what that something is... Maybe it's just not meant to be, and that's ok; but for this moment, right here, right now, it hurts like hell every minute. Somehow i think this is going to be one of the hardest things i've ever been through, yet i want it to happen. I want to feel the pain of rejection but i want to feel the weight lifted from my chest when i finally hear what you say. At least if it's the pain, i'll be able to feel something for a while... So many emotions to describe how i feel. I feel hurt, wanted, unwanted, sad, like i've never wanted anything more in my life, like i would do anything and everything it takes to get you. I see you everyday in school, and it used to be carefree and easy to meet and hang out, but now it's tense and emotional and anything but easy and carefree. I feel horrible for being part of the stress of deciding and no amount of self loathing or punishment could change that. Normally i would tell myself to make a pros and cons list, but if i did there wouldn't be any cons so it would defeat the purpose. Listen, all i know is that you are the most important person in my life aside from the obvious (my mom) and i don't want to risk our friendship, but i've never wanted something more than this. Do what you want to do, and i'll take what i get. Choosing the opposite of me won't make you a bad person, it just means you know what you want.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Everything's Changed.
Like the title says, everything in my life has taken a nice big 180 degree turn. Here's why.
After a couple months of carefully monitoring my behavior and feelings, I've come to the realization that I'm bisexual. Now, I'm still adjusting and i don't know if this is just one of those stages people say you go through in your youth when you're "Experimenting with yourself", but it feels pretty real to me.
There's this girl that i go to school with, and i really like her. She's a grade younger than me and we've been friends for a couple months now. The great thing is, she likes me too! I love how funny she is, and i especially love her hugs! she gives the kind of hug that makes you feel like never letting go.
Grad is in three days and i cannot wait!! but the crappy part is, the heels im wearing are death after half an hour! i might smuggle in some flats in my purse lol or just change for dry grad. that's probably easier. Ill just suffer for a couple hours then party hard for six hours!!
I saw the new pirates of the Caribbean movie the other night and it was frackin awesome!!! I'm really excited for this weekend to come, because i have a date! We're going out for dinner then going to a movie and i'm super excited cuz the person i really like is my date!! Since we can't go to the movie we want though, it might suck just a little. Ohh well, i'm sure what it lacks in awesome movieness it will make up for in other just general awesomeness!!
I've been writing my story a lot too! I'm on chapter 21 and I can't wait to write the next couple chapters cuz they're going to be frackin awesome!!!!! being almost summer will come as an advantage because that will allow me to spend more time writing and less time worrying about school!!
I'm going to have a fun little story time here. The characters are me, the person i like; lets call her E, and our friend, we'll call him C.
At lunch today, E and I were walking to our usual bench to eat lunch with our friends. C goes to a different school, so he comes to eat with us every other day. E sits down and C sits next to her while i stay standing because i had to buy my lunch today and i say to E, "I'm going to get my lunch. Feel free to tell C about the weekends happenings." I left to get my lunch and assumed she'd told him because when i returned, he did his weird high pitched squeely thing that he always does when he's excited. it was hilarious and at the end of the day he called after us while we were walking and was like, "Donna wants to know if you guys were legit and i told her i would ask!" and i was like hurr durr!!
Well lets just say it was a really interesting day, that's for sure. i'm just wishing the weekend would get here faster so i can go on my date!!!!!!!!! Bwuaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!! ohh well, i guess that's all i have for this time!!
DFTBA, may the odds be ever in your favor, blah blah blah the end and yeah. Bye!!
After a couple months of carefully monitoring my behavior and feelings, I've come to the realization that I'm bisexual. Now, I'm still adjusting and i don't know if this is just one of those stages people say you go through in your youth when you're "Experimenting with yourself", but it feels pretty real to me.
There's this girl that i go to school with, and i really like her. She's a grade younger than me and we've been friends for a couple months now. The great thing is, she likes me too! I love how funny she is, and i especially love her hugs! she gives the kind of hug that makes you feel like never letting go.
Grad is in three days and i cannot wait!! but the crappy part is, the heels im wearing are death after half an hour! i might smuggle in some flats in my purse lol or just change for dry grad. that's probably easier. Ill just suffer for a couple hours then party hard for six hours!!
I saw the new pirates of the Caribbean movie the other night and it was frackin awesome!!! I'm really excited for this weekend to come, because i have a date! We're going out for dinner then going to a movie and i'm super excited cuz the person i really like is my date!! Since we can't go to the movie we want though, it might suck just a little. Ohh well, i'm sure what it lacks in awesome movieness it will make up for in other just general awesomeness!!
I've been writing my story a lot too! I'm on chapter 21 and I can't wait to write the next couple chapters cuz they're going to be frackin awesome!!!!! being almost summer will come as an advantage because that will allow me to spend more time writing and less time worrying about school!!
I'm going to have a fun little story time here. The characters are me, the person i like; lets call her E, and our friend, we'll call him C.
At lunch today, E and I were walking to our usual bench to eat lunch with our friends. C goes to a different school, so he comes to eat with us every other day. E sits down and C sits next to her while i stay standing because i had to buy my lunch today and i say to E, "I'm going to get my lunch. Feel free to tell C about the weekends happenings." I left to get my lunch and assumed she'd told him because when i returned, he did his weird high pitched squeely thing that he always does when he's excited. it was hilarious and at the end of the day he called after us while we were walking and was like, "Donna wants to know if you guys were legit and i told her i would ask!" and i was like hurr durr!!
Well lets just say it was a really interesting day, that's for sure. i'm just wishing the weekend would get here faster so i can go on my date!!!!!!!!! Bwuaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!! ohh well, i guess that's all i have for this time!!
DFTBA, may the odds be ever in your favor, blah blah blah the end and yeah. Bye!!
Friday, April 8, 2011
back and in a better mood.
hey everyone. So yeah, sorry about the rage and such from that last post. i was in a really REALLY bad mood and it just kinda got out of hand.
So anyways, I've been putting my pent up aggression to good use lately and I've gotten back into the writing thing i had last year. It's going really well so far. I have a story called A Perfectly Imperfect Pair that I started writing. It's a Dramione fanfiction, and for those of you who don't know what Dramione means, you suck Royal Hyppogriff. I'm just kidding, (but seriously, you are uncultured if you don't know.) it means I'm writing a story in which the love interests are Draco and Hermione. It's four chapters long and I'm currently working on chapter 5 as we speak.
Here's the link to our (mine and Robyn's) fanfiction account so you can read the story:
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2804018/One_and_a_Half_Slytherins
Speaking of Fanfictions, my good friend Robyn and I are writing a story called The Parenthood Project. It's about ten 6th and 7th year students at Hogwarts who sign up to take on the Parenthood Project for the school year. They get paired up and get kids to take care of for the year. It gets better, but no spoilers here!! You'll just have to wait and keep with us as we write our way through this epic journey of a story. I can tell you that we are both really looking forward to writing this story. the first couple chapters are up on our fanfiction account which is located in the link above. If you already went and read both, good for you and hope you liked them. If you haven't, don't make me get my wand out!! I'm just kidding, I'm still underage until November so i wouldn't be able to use magic anyways! (In case you haven't already noticed, I'm weird and have a strange obsession with Harry Potter. It's great!)
I am currently sitting on my bed in the hotel room I'm staying in for the weekend. I'm on a scrapbooking weekend long retreat with my mom and my two aunts. It's really fun cuz i finally get to work on my Wonka scrapbook.
So yeah, go and read those stories. and maybe while your at it, you can go to youtube and search OrderOfTheThestrals6, then subscribe to us. We've just reached 101 videos, mine was number 100 and I'm quite excited about that.
That's it, that's all, so until next time, may the odds be ever in your favor!
So anyways, I've been putting my pent up aggression to good use lately and I've gotten back into the writing thing i had last year. It's going really well so far. I have a story called A Perfectly Imperfect Pair that I started writing. It's a Dramione fanfiction, and for those of you who don't know what Dramione means, you suck Royal Hyppogriff. I'm just kidding, (but seriously, you are uncultured if you don't know.) it means I'm writing a story in which the love interests are Draco and Hermione. It's four chapters long and I'm currently working on chapter 5 as we speak.
Here's the link to our (mine and Robyn's) fanfiction account so you can read the story:
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2804018/One_and_a_Half_Slytherins
Speaking of Fanfictions, my good friend Robyn and I are writing a story called The Parenthood Project. It's about ten 6th and 7th year students at Hogwarts who sign up to take on the Parenthood Project for the school year. They get paired up and get kids to take care of for the year. It gets better, but no spoilers here!! You'll just have to wait and keep with us as we write our way through this epic journey of a story. I can tell you that we are both really looking forward to writing this story. the first couple chapters are up on our fanfiction account which is located in the link above. If you already went and read both, good for you and hope you liked them. If you haven't, don't make me get my wand out!! I'm just kidding, I'm still underage until November so i wouldn't be able to use magic anyways! (In case you haven't already noticed, I'm weird and have a strange obsession with Harry Potter. It's great!)
I am currently sitting on my bed in the hotel room I'm staying in for the weekend. I'm on a scrapbooking weekend long retreat with my mom and my two aunts. It's really fun cuz i finally get to work on my Wonka scrapbook.
So yeah, go and read those stories. and maybe while your at it, you can go to youtube and search OrderOfTheThestrals6, then subscribe to us. We've just reached 101 videos, mine was number 100 and I'm quite excited about that.
That's it, that's all, so until next time, may the odds be ever in your favor!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
So yeah...gtfooml
The title basically says it all. if i really wanted to go into detail, i would have posted a long time ago. honestly, if you think it makes a difference by asking me evey fucking day then keep asking, but it doesnt! things dont get fixed overnight you know!! thats not how the world works!! GAHH!!!!!! to be honest, im not sure if i want things fixed.
sorry for how short this is buti got the point across in as little wording as possible.
till next time, may the odds be ever in our favour!
sorry for how short this is buti got the point across in as little wording as possible.
till next time, may the odds be ever in our favour!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Until the last rose dies...
Well, today was Valentines Day. I know what you're all thinking to yourselves. Either Valentines Day sucked ass and can go die, or it was the best day ever. Honestly, for me, it was a bit of both thoughts running through my head.
On the one hand, it sucked because I didn't do the one thing I swore to myself i would do. Ask the guy I like out on a date.
I'm trying things a different way this time. Usually we just start dating right then and there, but all those times didn't work out so well. So, I'm trying a different approach to things. I talked to one of my guy friends about it and he said that maybe he'll ask me out tomorrow. He had a feeling that it would happen. I'm really hoping that feeling will turn out to be true.
On the other hand, it was a good day because I got a very interesting Valentine from a good friend of mine. I got a fake rose. The second it touched my hand i thought of the saying "I'll love you until the last rose dies" Or in our case, our friendship will last until the last rose dies. It really made me appreciate how good of a friend she is.
She happened to get lucky today. She asked the guy she likes to grad and he said yes. Lucky kid. Oh well, maybe it will be my turn some day soon. I'll just have to wait and see i guess. (I'm really starting to hate waiting)
Hope everyone had an excellent Valentines Day. Till next time, May the odds be ever in your favour.
On the one hand, it sucked because I didn't do the one thing I swore to myself i would do. Ask the guy I like out on a date.
I'm trying things a different way this time. Usually we just start dating right then and there, but all those times didn't work out so well. So, I'm trying a different approach to things. I talked to one of my guy friends about it and he said that maybe he'll ask me out tomorrow. He had a feeling that it would happen. I'm really hoping that feeling will turn out to be true.
On the other hand, it was a good day because I got a very interesting Valentine from a good friend of mine. I got a fake rose. The second it touched my hand i thought of the saying "I'll love you until the last rose dies" Or in our case, our friendship will last until the last rose dies. It really made me appreciate how good of a friend she is.
She happened to get lucky today. She asked the guy she likes to grad and he said yes. Lucky kid. Oh well, maybe it will be my turn some day soon. I'll just have to wait and see i guess. (I'm really starting to hate waiting)
Hope everyone had an excellent Valentines Day. Till next time, May the odds be ever in your favour.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
When Will It Be Someone Elses Turn?
SO. As most of you may know, this Monday is Valentines day. That means that it's just one more day for couples to relish the fact that they are a couple, and single people to either do 1 of 3 things:
1. Sit around and wish they weren't so single
2. Go out and be with their other single friends and have a good time
3. Get off their ass and find someone. If there's someone you like, ask them out.
So here's my challenge to all you bloggers and blog readers:
No matter which one of the three things you happen to be, don't be afraid to just enjoy yourself. Make someones day. Take a chance and ask out the guy or girl you like. Do something with your best friends. Do something with your significant other to show them that you care. Whatever it is, make it count. Like we say in Wonka, "It's better to fail and go big than to fail and go small. If you're going to mess up, go big and have fun doing it."
This next part will be going out to all the couples out there. Us single people don't mind when you show affection to each other like holding hands or kissing, but don't go making out in front of us. Like sure, we're glad you're together and happy and all that, but we don't need to witness that. I would know, I've had that happen and been the one doing it.
As for me, I roll with the single crowd. Although it seems to be reducing in size rapidly every time I look. Strange, right? Darn people falling in love and all that crap. I have had my eye on this guy for a while now, but haven't said anything yet. Ok, so it's been longer than a while. But 6 months isn't that long. *pauses awkwardly, looking around to see if anyone's staring* I have to ask him to hang out or something when he gets back from vacation or I might never get the chance.
So to anyone who accepts my Valentines Day Challenge, good luck. Till next time, May the odds be ever in your favor.
1. Sit around and wish they weren't so single
2. Go out and be with their other single friends and have a good time
3. Get off their ass and find someone. If there's someone you like, ask them out.
So here's my challenge to all you bloggers and blog readers:
No matter which one of the three things you happen to be, don't be afraid to just enjoy yourself. Make someones day. Take a chance and ask out the guy or girl you like. Do something with your best friends. Do something with your significant other to show them that you care. Whatever it is, make it count. Like we say in Wonka, "It's better to fail and go big than to fail and go small. If you're going to mess up, go big and have fun doing it."
This next part will be going out to all the couples out there. Us single people don't mind when you show affection to each other like holding hands or kissing, but don't go making out in front of us. Like sure, we're glad you're together and happy and all that, but we don't need to witness that. I would know, I've had that happen and been the one doing it.
As for me, I roll with the single crowd. Although it seems to be reducing in size rapidly every time I look. Strange, right? Darn people falling in love and all that crap. I have had my eye on this guy for a while now, but haven't said anything yet. Ok, so it's been longer than a while. But 6 months isn't that long. *pauses awkwardly, looking around to see if anyone's staring* I have to ask him to hang out or something when he gets back from vacation or I might never get the chance.
So to anyone who accepts my Valentines Day Challenge, good luck. Till next time, May the odds be ever in your favor.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Dear Life In General.
Dear life in general,
Firstly, YOU SUCK!! Just saying. I mean, it's bad enough I'm a high school student, but you just make things worse when you decide to throw a damn hissy fit and be difficult. Plus, I'm a girl, which just puts a whole new twist on the drama side of life. Sure, you get good for a while, and everything seems to be going fine, but that's usually when things start to go terribly wrong. Seriously. I've been through it before, I know what to expect. So if you decide to suck, please give me some advanced notice.
Secondly, lets talk about an issue that's been on my mind for almost 5 months now. I would really appreciate it if you would just stop making me like guys so much. I mean, it's not a bad thing, but I'd really been seriously thinking of staying single till I'm done school. Apparently that's not allowed though. It goes against the "rules" of being a teenage girl. So here's my offer. If you give him the guts to come and ASK ME OUT ALREADY!!!, I'll stop hating you so much. I think it sounds like a fair deal, but that's just me. Who knows. I can honestly say that I can't tell when someone is flirting with me to save my life, but he seems to be an exception. Or maybe he's just a really really obvious flirt. I don't really know. All I know is that I really like him and it sucks royal hippogryph that he won't do anything about it.
Thirdly, are you serious or just joking around with me here, because I'd really like to know. First you make her talk to me and seem like things are getting better again.Then you get her to tell me stuff that I kinda already knew, but lets not get into that today. And now you put her into my class with me? Seriously? If you mess things up for me one more time, I might just have to come suck out your soul. I'm not even kidding. This might be one of the best opportunities I get and I don't want anything screwing it up.
Fourthly and finally, (this one's gonna be short), please just give me the will power to pass all of my classes with decent marks this year. It would really help.
Sincerely, Steph.
Firstly, YOU SUCK!! Just saying. I mean, it's bad enough I'm a high school student, but you just make things worse when you decide to throw a damn hissy fit and be difficult. Plus, I'm a girl, which just puts a whole new twist on the drama side of life. Sure, you get good for a while, and everything seems to be going fine, but that's usually when things start to go terribly wrong. Seriously. I've been through it before, I know what to expect. So if you decide to suck, please give me some advanced notice.
Secondly, lets talk about an issue that's been on my mind for almost 5 months now. I would really appreciate it if you would just stop making me like guys so much. I mean, it's not a bad thing, but I'd really been seriously thinking of staying single till I'm done school. Apparently that's not allowed though. It goes against the "rules" of being a teenage girl. So here's my offer. If you give him the guts to come and ASK ME OUT ALREADY!!!, I'll stop hating you so much. I think it sounds like a fair deal, but that's just me. Who knows. I can honestly say that I can't tell when someone is flirting with me to save my life, but he seems to be an exception. Or maybe he's just a really really obvious flirt. I don't really know. All I know is that I really like him and it sucks royal hippogryph that he won't do anything about it.
Thirdly, are you serious or just joking around with me here, because I'd really like to know. First you make her talk to me and seem like things are getting better again.Then you get her to tell me stuff that I kinda already knew, but lets not get into that today. And now you put her into my class with me? Seriously? If you mess things up for me one more time, I might just have to come suck out your soul. I'm not even kidding. This might be one of the best opportunities I get and I don't want anything screwing it up.
Fourthly and finally, (this one's gonna be short), please just give me the will power to pass all of my classes with decent marks this year. It would really help.
Sincerely, Steph.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Speaking of...
I know it's been a while since i last blogged, but I've been super busy so I'm gonna try and do this more often. Besides, it kinda helps when i need to talk but have no one specific to talk to.
So since I last blogged, the guy i like has been flirting with me non stop in theatre class. I'll admit, I've been flirting back, but that's just natural instinct for a girl. Hormones take over and all that good stuff. But anyways. I'm actuallty kinda tempted to take a leap and see if he feels the same as me. My friends say it's obvious that he does, but i can't tell for sure. It would be super awkward if he didn't but I think he does, so i might do it.
He's also 14. I'm 16. But age shouldn't matter right? i mean, it's the personality that counts. He's hilarious, always making me laugh, (sometimes when we aren't supposed to be laughing, but who cares lol) It really is never a dull moment.
There's also that part of me that wants to stay single for the rest of the year. and maybe next year too. No boys = no drama = no stress, which = good! I've had so much bad luck with boys in the past two years that I'm tempted to just give up on them until i graduate. I said that back in november and just cuz life sucks like that, i had to start liking someone. GRRRR!!!!! lol
I think i might just talk to him. it makes sense right? i mean, we obviously both like eachother, so it shouldn't be that hard. Ohh well, fingers crossed i suppose. Who knows, maybe things will change.
Till next time, maybe the odds be ever in your favour!
So since I last blogged, the guy i like has been flirting with me non stop in theatre class. I'll admit, I've been flirting back, but that's just natural instinct for a girl. Hormones take over and all that good stuff. But anyways. I'm actuallty kinda tempted to take a leap and see if he feels the same as me. My friends say it's obvious that he does, but i can't tell for sure. It would be super awkward if he didn't but I think he does, so i might do it.
He's also 14. I'm 16. But age shouldn't matter right? i mean, it's the personality that counts. He's hilarious, always making me laugh, (sometimes when we aren't supposed to be laughing, but who cares lol) It really is never a dull moment.
There's also that part of me that wants to stay single for the rest of the year. and maybe next year too. No boys = no drama = no stress, which = good! I've had so much bad luck with boys in the past two years that I'm tempted to just give up on them until i graduate. I said that back in november and just cuz life sucks like that, i had to start liking someone. GRRRR!!!!! lol
I think i might just talk to him. it makes sense right? i mean, we obviously both like eachother, so it shouldn't be that hard. Ohh well, fingers crossed i suppose. Who knows, maybe things will change.
Till next time, maybe the odds be ever in your favour!
Friday, January 7, 2011
thoughts in theatre.
Friendship. It's something i have, but dont always understand. It brings people together and tears them apart. There are times when you need you friends, and times when they do something to upset you and you just want them to leave you alone for a while so you can think. I have a couple good friends, but only one best friend. She's older than me and i think of her like my big sister (even when I act more mature than she does lol) It's good to have a best friend that you can tell anything to, but sometimes you can't talk to them because they are the source of the problem and you dont want to hurt their feelings.
I've recently been in that situation. My best friend did something she said she wasnt going to do anymore and didn't tell me about it. I found out from someone else about it. I was really upset and stressed out but didn't want her to know. So i did what every other normal teenager does, and i hid my feelings. I'm not proud of it, but i had to do it. She felt so bad about it and was apologizing throughout the day. I got home that night and was so stressed and had so much anger and emotion pent up inside me that as soon as something went wrong i began to cry. I cried and talked to my mom for a good 15 minutes. I hadn't cried that much in a long time. Then way later on in the night, my best friend started texting me and asking me what was wrong, and when i didnt say anything, she called me. So i stood in my bathroom like a trooper and listened to her apologize and all that. Then she did something that caught me off guard. She brought one of my old best friends into the picture and told me she didn't deserve a friend like me and all this stuff. That set me off and i was crying...again.
There's nothing worse than having an old friend brought into an emotional conversation. It just makes you think back to all the times you had with them and how much it hurt to lose them and how they just seem to shrug off the fact that you still care about them. It tears at the space they left when they broke the friendship, and you feel the sting of the heartache. It's like when you get a cut or a scrape and it stings when you touch it, but eventually it goes away and all thats left is a scar to forever remind you of what you lost. Being reminded of that scar brings back the pain and makes it feel like its a brand new cut again.
In all honesty though, I'm starting to think that maybe what happened with her wasnt such a bad thing. i mean, sure i lost a great friendship, but it allowed me to make a new one with someone just as wonderful and amazing. So even when she fucks things up, we'll work through it because I would rather just fight and make up than lose her. She means so much to me and to lose her would be like losing a part of my soul. I'm not immortal, i cant survive a blow to my soul. I can't make a horcrux and put part of my soul in it. She really is part of me now.
And yes, i thought about all of this in about a 10 minute span in theatre class today. Crazy, i know.
Until next time, may the odds be ever in your favour.
I've recently been in that situation. My best friend did something she said she wasnt going to do anymore and didn't tell me about it. I found out from someone else about it. I was really upset and stressed out but didn't want her to know. So i did what every other normal teenager does, and i hid my feelings. I'm not proud of it, but i had to do it. She felt so bad about it and was apologizing throughout the day. I got home that night and was so stressed and had so much anger and emotion pent up inside me that as soon as something went wrong i began to cry. I cried and talked to my mom for a good 15 minutes. I hadn't cried that much in a long time. Then way later on in the night, my best friend started texting me and asking me what was wrong, and when i didnt say anything, she called me. So i stood in my bathroom like a trooper and listened to her apologize and all that. Then she did something that caught me off guard. She brought one of my old best friends into the picture and told me she didn't deserve a friend like me and all this stuff. That set me off and i was crying...again.
There's nothing worse than having an old friend brought into an emotional conversation. It just makes you think back to all the times you had with them and how much it hurt to lose them and how they just seem to shrug off the fact that you still care about them. It tears at the space they left when they broke the friendship, and you feel the sting of the heartache. It's like when you get a cut or a scrape and it stings when you touch it, but eventually it goes away and all thats left is a scar to forever remind you of what you lost. Being reminded of that scar brings back the pain and makes it feel like its a brand new cut again.
In all honesty though, I'm starting to think that maybe what happened with her wasnt such a bad thing. i mean, sure i lost a great friendship, but it allowed me to make a new one with someone just as wonderful and amazing. So even when she fucks things up, we'll work through it because I would rather just fight and make up than lose her. She means so much to me and to lose her would be like losing a part of my soul. I'm not immortal, i cant survive a blow to my soul. I can't make a horcrux and put part of my soul in it. She really is part of me now.
And yes, i thought about all of this in about a 10 minute span in theatre class today. Crazy, i know.
Until next time, may the odds be ever in your favour.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Today was just one of those days.
Steph here.
Everything seems so perfect. I'm sitting in my bedroom blogging with my kitten sleeping beside me and drinking fresca. But this is all just a false reality. In actual reality, my best friend is being tormented by her ex boyfriend. I can tolerate some things, most things actually, but that crosses a whole other line. Nothing bothers me more than seeing someone i care about being so torn apart by one person who doesn't fucking see that they should just get over it!
Along with that, today was just generally a shitty day. I was having trouble understanding anything someone said to me. I was especially jumpy and easily startled. People were pissing me off. I was forgetting the words to the songs i was singing in theatre class, which is soo not like me.
On a positive note, i have to make my vlog for the order tonight and post it tomorrow. And i'm FINALLY done my Macbeth unit un english class. No more fuckin Shakespeare. Thats it for positive things about today.
Ohh wait, theres one more thing. I'm going to start writing a song for the order on my guitar!! its gonna be kickin. i just need to figure out the lyrics lol
So anyways, back to the realm of false reality. Actual reality sucks. Seriously. Here in my realm of false reality, I've accomplished a lot of things. I published some of my stories. I've written a whole book of songs and lyrics and such. I have a boyfriend. I'm also a wizard, but thats besides the point lol
Speaking of boyfriends, My friend and i have this "game" we play that's basically describing each others perfect boyfriend. Mine would be the following:
Everything you do in life depends on the choices you make every day. Make the right choices now so that later on in life, things will be better.
Everything seems so perfect. I'm sitting in my bedroom blogging with my kitten sleeping beside me and drinking fresca. But this is all just a false reality. In actual reality, my best friend is being tormented by her ex boyfriend. I can tolerate some things, most things actually, but that crosses a whole other line. Nothing bothers me more than seeing someone i care about being so torn apart by one person who doesn't fucking see that they should just get over it!
Along with that, today was just generally a shitty day. I was having trouble understanding anything someone said to me. I was especially jumpy and easily startled. People were pissing me off. I was forgetting the words to the songs i was singing in theatre class, which is soo not like me.
On a positive note, i have to make my vlog for the order tonight and post it tomorrow. And i'm FINALLY done my Macbeth unit un english class. No more fuckin Shakespeare. Thats it for positive things about today.
Ohh wait, theres one more thing. I'm going to start writing a song for the order on my guitar!! its gonna be kickin. i just need to figure out the lyrics lol
So anyways, back to the realm of false reality. Actual reality sucks. Seriously. Here in my realm of false reality, I've accomplished a lot of things. I published some of my stories. I've written a whole book of songs and lyrics and such. I have a boyfriend. I'm also a wizard, but thats besides the point lol
Speaking of boyfriends, My friend and i have this "game" we play that's basically describing each others perfect boyfriend. Mine would be the following:
- Taller than me, but not by much. (I dont want to have to go on my toes to kiss him all the time)
- Short dark brown, dirty blonde or strawberry blonde hair.
- Green, blue or gold eyes.
- Sweet, not too overprotective, funny.
- Have things in common, but not too many things. It's always good to have things you like to do yourself
- He has to like my friends (or at least tollerate them. they can be a bit crazy sometimes)
Everything you do in life depends on the choices you make every day. Make the right choices now so that later on in life, things will be better.
Until next time, may the odds be ever in your favour.
Monday, January 3, 2011
CAUTION: NEW BLOGGER ON THE PREMESIS!!
Ok, so I'm a little bit dramatic... That just means i know how to express myself! (haha yeah right). I hear people all the time saying 'oh, i cant do it, i'm not talented enough' or 'i dont have the skills'. That's one of the things we humans like to call a pet peeve. i HATE when people say stuff like that. Seriously, just ask any one of my friends and they'll tell you about the intensely evil glares i give them when they doubt themselves. It's a quirk you have to learn to love if you're going to be friends with me.
I honestly never thought i would make it this far in life. Sure, I've had my fair share of screw ups and lost a few friends along the way, but it's been worth it in the end. I now have a few amazing friends that i know will stick by me. There's one in particular, but i'm not naming names. I think they'll know who they are when they read this. Just in case they're thinking a little slowly when they read it, I'll give a hint: Even then. 'Nuff said.
Along with being new to the neighborhood of blogging, i'm also joinging the vlogging world. I'm gonna be really really busy. What with being in a musical and doing a weekly vlog, and hopefully vlogging as often as possible.
Cuttin it short this time cuz it's late and i want to sleep lol
So until next time, may the odds be ever in your favour!
Ok, so I'm a little bit dramatic... That just means i know how to express myself! (haha yeah right). I hear people all the time saying 'oh, i cant do it, i'm not talented enough' or 'i dont have the skills'. That's one of the things we humans like to call a pet peeve. i HATE when people say stuff like that. Seriously, just ask any one of my friends and they'll tell you about the intensely evil glares i give them when they doubt themselves. It's a quirk you have to learn to love if you're going to be friends with me.
I honestly never thought i would make it this far in life. Sure, I've had my fair share of screw ups and lost a few friends along the way, but it's been worth it in the end. I now have a few amazing friends that i know will stick by me. There's one in particular, but i'm not naming names. I think they'll know who they are when they read this. Just in case they're thinking a little slowly when they read it, I'll give a hint: Even then. 'Nuff said.
Along with being new to the neighborhood of blogging, i'm also joinging the vlogging world. I'm gonna be really really busy. What with being in a musical and doing a weekly vlog, and hopefully vlogging as often as possible.
Cuttin it short this time cuz it's late and i want to sleep lol
So until next time, may the odds be ever in your favour!
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