I'm Sorry. I'm sorry for being the wrong kind of kid for you. I'm sorry I'm always disappointing you. I'm sorry for acting like a boy when all you want is your little girl. I'm sorry for all the times i stomped off and threw tantrums because i was upset or grouchy because i stayed up late the night before and had to get up early. I wish i could be a better daughter to you. I wish you knew how sorry i really am for everything I've messed up on. You have every right to shout at me and tell me what i did wrong and make sure i know it.
If i knew that by cutting my hair and changing my style of clothes i would make this much of a spectacle of myself, i wouldn't have done it. I would've kept my long hair and kept wearing my shorts and flip flops like all the other normal girls do. All i've ever wanted to do in my life is make you proud and i know now that i'm not making you proud because i want to wear boys shirts and have my hair short. I never wanted to disappoint you and now i know that that's just what i'm doing.
I love you and i hope you know that no matter what i may do in my life and what decisions or choices i decide to make you'll always be my mom and ill always look up to you. I can't handle disappointing people; it literally hurts me when i know i've disappointed someone, especially you or dad. So after all this, i just hope you know that i'm sorry.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Thoughts While In Pain...
I grew up knowing that some day i would get married to the guy of my dreams and have kids and live happily ever after. That was how i thought my life would happen until my grade eleven year of high school.
I became friends with a girl that was in a grade younger than me and we became close friends after a few months of hanging out during lunch hours and such. Now, i'd been questioning my sexuality since the beginning of the school year so it didn't come as much of a surprise to me that i began to like her as more than just my best friend. She was the very first person i ever came out to and as it turns out, she's bisexual and had liked me for the past two months. I'm a lesbian, so when she told me she liked me, i was ecstatic.
She later told me that she still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend, but she also had feelings for me. We've been on our first date and it went excellent, which gives me a little assurance but i still worry that she will decide to be with him instead. We've talked about this all before and she always tells me she doesn't want to hurt me but she can't decide what to do about her feelings for the guy she likes. He's older than her, (much older. She's 15, almost 16, and he's 26. I'm 16, in case you were wondering) and i get the strangest pang of jealousy every time she talks about him because i know she still has really strong feeling for him. All in all, i just want to hear her decision because whatever she decides to do is fine with me as long as she's happy. Sure, i'd be heartbroken if she didn't choose me, but i'd get over it. It's not the end of the world. She's one of the most important people in the world to me.
She's a sweet girl and I'd do anything for her; she really is one of my best friends on the whole world.
DFTBA, may the odds be ever in your favor, blah blah blah the end, and ill see you later!
I became friends with a girl that was in a grade younger than me and we became close friends after a few months of hanging out during lunch hours and such. Now, i'd been questioning my sexuality since the beginning of the school year so it didn't come as much of a surprise to me that i began to like her as more than just my best friend. She was the very first person i ever came out to and as it turns out, she's bisexual and had liked me for the past two months. I'm a lesbian, so when she told me she liked me, i was ecstatic.
She later told me that she still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend, but she also had feelings for me. We've been on our first date and it went excellent, which gives me a little assurance but i still worry that she will decide to be with him instead. We've talked about this all before and she always tells me she doesn't want to hurt me but she can't decide what to do about her feelings for the guy she likes. He's older than her, (much older. She's 15, almost 16, and he's 26. I'm 16, in case you were wondering) and i get the strangest pang of jealousy every time she talks about him because i know she still has really strong feeling for him. All in all, i just want to hear her decision because whatever she decides to do is fine with me as long as she's happy. Sure, i'd be heartbroken if she didn't choose me, but i'd get over it. It's not the end of the world. She's one of the most important people in the world to me.
She's a sweet girl and I'd do anything for her; she really is one of my best friends on the whole world.
DFTBA, may the odds be ever in your favor, blah blah blah the end, and ill see you later!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
How Much Longer?
How much longer will i have to wait? it's been two weeks that we've both known and probably months before that that it's been going on yet we still can't move forward from this point. I just wish that for a moment you could look at this through my eyes and see what i see; feel what i feel. If only you actually knew how much i wanted this... Sadly, it's not just me in the picture. I want so badly for you to pick me, but at the same time i know how much you want to be with him and it breaks my heart to know that i might not get the chance to be in the picture much longer... I just feel like there's something more i could do to show you how much you mean to me and how much i want this but i can't seem to figure out what that something is... Maybe it's just not meant to be, and that's ok; but for this moment, right here, right now, it hurts like hell every minute. Somehow i think this is going to be one of the hardest things i've ever been through, yet i want it to happen. I want to feel the pain of rejection but i want to feel the weight lifted from my chest when i finally hear what you say. At least if it's the pain, i'll be able to feel something for a while... So many emotions to describe how i feel. I feel hurt, wanted, unwanted, sad, like i've never wanted anything more in my life, like i would do anything and everything it takes to get you. I see you everyday in school, and it used to be carefree and easy to meet and hang out, but now it's tense and emotional and anything but easy and carefree. I feel horrible for being part of the stress of deciding and no amount of self loathing or punishment could change that. Normally i would tell myself to make a pros and cons list, but if i did there wouldn't be any cons so it would defeat the purpose. Listen, all i know is that you are the most important person in my life aside from the obvious (my mom) and i don't want to risk our friendship, but i've never wanted something more than this. Do what you want to do, and i'll take what i get. Choosing the opposite of me won't make you a bad person, it just means you know what you want.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Everything's Changed.
Like the title says, everything in my life has taken a nice big 180 degree turn. Here's why.
After a couple months of carefully monitoring my behavior and feelings, I've come to the realization that I'm bisexual. Now, I'm still adjusting and i don't know if this is just one of those stages people say you go through in your youth when you're "Experimenting with yourself", but it feels pretty real to me.
There's this girl that i go to school with, and i really like her. She's a grade younger than me and we've been friends for a couple months now. The great thing is, she likes me too! I love how funny she is, and i especially love her hugs! she gives the kind of hug that makes you feel like never letting go.
Grad is in three days and i cannot wait!! but the crappy part is, the heels im wearing are death after half an hour! i might smuggle in some flats in my purse lol or just change for dry grad. that's probably easier. Ill just suffer for a couple hours then party hard for six hours!!
I saw the new pirates of the Caribbean movie the other night and it was frackin awesome!!! I'm really excited for this weekend to come, because i have a date! We're going out for dinner then going to a movie and i'm super excited cuz the person i really like is my date!! Since we can't go to the movie we want though, it might suck just a little. Ohh well, i'm sure what it lacks in awesome movieness it will make up for in other just general awesomeness!!
I've been writing my story a lot too! I'm on chapter 21 and I can't wait to write the next couple chapters cuz they're going to be frackin awesome!!!!! being almost summer will come as an advantage because that will allow me to spend more time writing and less time worrying about school!!
I'm going to have a fun little story time here. The characters are me, the person i like; lets call her E, and our friend, we'll call him C.
At lunch today, E and I were walking to our usual bench to eat lunch with our friends. C goes to a different school, so he comes to eat with us every other day. E sits down and C sits next to her while i stay standing because i had to buy my lunch today and i say to E, "I'm going to get my lunch. Feel free to tell C about the weekends happenings." I left to get my lunch and assumed she'd told him because when i returned, he did his weird high pitched squeely thing that he always does when he's excited. it was hilarious and at the end of the day he called after us while we were walking and was like, "Donna wants to know if you guys were legit and i told her i would ask!" and i was like hurr durr!!
Well lets just say it was a really interesting day, that's for sure. i'm just wishing the weekend would get here faster so i can go on my date!!!!!!!!! Bwuaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!! ohh well, i guess that's all i have for this time!!
DFTBA, may the odds be ever in your favor, blah blah blah the end and yeah. Bye!!
After a couple months of carefully monitoring my behavior and feelings, I've come to the realization that I'm bisexual. Now, I'm still adjusting and i don't know if this is just one of those stages people say you go through in your youth when you're "Experimenting with yourself", but it feels pretty real to me.
There's this girl that i go to school with, and i really like her. She's a grade younger than me and we've been friends for a couple months now. The great thing is, she likes me too! I love how funny she is, and i especially love her hugs! she gives the kind of hug that makes you feel like never letting go.
Grad is in three days and i cannot wait!! but the crappy part is, the heels im wearing are death after half an hour! i might smuggle in some flats in my purse lol or just change for dry grad. that's probably easier. Ill just suffer for a couple hours then party hard for six hours!!
I saw the new pirates of the Caribbean movie the other night and it was frackin awesome!!! I'm really excited for this weekend to come, because i have a date! We're going out for dinner then going to a movie and i'm super excited cuz the person i really like is my date!! Since we can't go to the movie we want though, it might suck just a little. Ohh well, i'm sure what it lacks in awesome movieness it will make up for in other just general awesomeness!!
I've been writing my story a lot too! I'm on chapter 21 and I can't wait to write the next couple chapters cuz they're going to be frackin awesome!!!!! being almost summer will come as an advantage because that will allow me to spend more time writing and less time worrying about school!!
I'm going to have a fun little story time here. The characters are me, the person i like; lets call her E, and our friend, we'll call him C.
At lunch today, E and I were walking to our usual bench to eat lunch with our friends. C goes to a different school, so he comes to eat with us every other day. E sits down and C sits next to her while i stay standing because i had to buy my lunch today and i say to E, "I'm going to get my lunch. Feel free to tell C about the weekends happenings." I left to get my lunch and assumed she'd told him because when i returned, he did his weird high pitched squeely thing that he always does when he's excited. it was hilarious and at the end of the day he called after us while we were walking and was like, "Donna wants to know if you guys were legit and i told her i would ask!" and i was like hurr durr!!
Well lets just say it was a really interesting day, that's for sure. i'm just wishing the weekend would get here faster so i can go on my date!!!!!!!!! Bwuaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!! ohh well, i guess that's all i have for this time!!
DFTBA, may the odds be ever in your favor, blah blah blah the end and yeah. Bye!!
Friday, April 8, 2011
back and in a better mood.
hey everyone. So yeah, sorry about the rage and such from that last post. i was in a really REALLY bad mood and it just kinda got out of hand.
So anyways, I've been putting my pent up aggression to good use lately and I've gotten back into the writing thing i had last year. It's going really well so far. I have a story called A Perfectly Imperfect Pair that I started writing. It's a Dramione fanfiction, and for those of you who don't know what Dramione means, you suck Royal Hyppogriff. I'm just kidding, (but seriously, you are uncultured if you don't know.) it means I'm writing a story in which the love interests are Draco and Hermione. It's four chapters long and I'm currently working on chapter 5 as we speak.
Here's the link to our (mine and Robyn's) fanfiction account so you can read the story:
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2804018/One_and_a_Half_Slytherins
Speaking of Fanfictions, my good friend Robyn and I are writing a story called The Parenthood Project. It's about ten 6th and 7th year students at Hogwarts who sign up to take on the Parenthood Project for the school year. They get paired up and get kids to take care of for the year. It gets better, but no spoilers here!! You'll just have to wait and keep with us as we write our way through this epic journey of a story. I can tell you that we are both really looking forward to writing this story. the first couple chapters are up on our fanfiction account which is located in the link above. If you already went and read both, good for you and hope you liked them. If you haven't, don't make me get my wand out!! I'm just kidding, I'm still underage until November so i wouldn't be able to use magic anyways! (In case you haven't already noticed, I'm weird and have a strange obsession with Harry Potter. It's great!)
I am currently sitting on my bed in the hotel room I'm staying in for the weekend. I'm on a scrapbooking weekend long retreat with my mom and my two aunts. It's really fun cuz i finally get to work on my Wonka scrapbook.
So yeah, go and read those stories. and maybe while your at it, you can go to youtube and search OrderOfTheThestrals6, then subscribe to us. We've just reached 101 videos, mine was number 100 and I'm quite excited about that.
That's it, that's all, so until next time, may the odds be ever in your favor!
So anyways, I've been putting my pent up aggression to good use lately and I've gotten back into the writing thing i had last year. It's going really well so far. I have a story called A Perfectly Imperfect Pair that I started writing. It's a Dramione fanfiction, and for those of you who don't know what Dramione means, you suck Royal Hyppogriff. I'm just kidding, (but seriously, you are uncultured if you don't know.) it means I'm writing a story in which the love interests are Draco and Hermione. It's four chapters long and I'm currently working on chapter 5 as we speak.
Here's the link to our (mine and Robyn's) fanfiction account so you can read the story:
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2804018/One_and_a_Half_Slytherins
Speaking of Fanfictions, my good friend Robyn and I are writing a story called The Parenthood Project. It's about ten 6th and 7th year students at Hogwarts who sign up to take on the Parenthood Project for the school year. They get paired up and get kids to take care of for the year. It gets better, but no spoilers here!! You'll just have to wait and keep with us as we write our way through this epic journey of a story. I can tell you that we are both really looking forward to writing this story. the first couple chapters are up on our fanfiction account which is located in the link above. If you already went and read both, good for you and hope you liked them. If you haven't, don't make me get my wand out!! I'm just kidding, I'm still underage until November so i wouldn't be able to use magic anyways! (In case you haven't already noticed, I'm weird and have a strange obsession with Harry Potter. It's great!)
I am currently sitting on my bed in the hotel room I'm staying in for the weekend. I'm on a scrapbooking weekend long retreat with my mom and my two aunts. It's really fun cuz i finally get to work on my Wonka scrapbook.
So yeah, go and read those stories. and maybe while your at it, you can go to youtube and search OrderOfTheThestrals6, then subscribe to us. We've just reached 101 videos, mine was number 100 and I'm quite excited about that.
That's it, that's all, so until next time, may the odds be ever in your favor!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
So yeah...gtfooml
The title basically says it all. if i really wanted to go into detail, i would have posted a long time ago. honestly, if you think it makes a difference by asking me evey fucking day then keep asking, but it doesnt! things dont get fixed overnight you know!! thats not how the world works!! GAHH!!!!!! to be honest, im not sure if i want things fixed.
sorry for how short this is buti got the point across in as little wording as possible.
till next time, may the odds be ever in our favour!
sorry for how short this is buti got the point across in as little wording as possible.
till next time, may the odds be ever in our favour!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Until the last rose dies...
Well, today was Valentines Day. I know what you're all thinking to yourselves. Either Valentines Day sucked ass and can go die, or it was the best day ever. Honestly, for me, it was a bit of both thoughts running through my head.
On the one hand, it sucked because I didn't do the one thing I swore to myself i would do. Ask the guy I like out on a date.
I'm trying things a different way this time. Usually we just start dating right then and there, but all those times didn't work out so well. So, I'm trying a different approach to things. I talked to one of my guy friends about it and he said that maybe he'll ask me out tomorrow. He had a feeling that it would happen. I'm really hoping that feeling will turn out to be true.
On the other hand, it was a good day because I got a very interesting Valentine from a good friend of mine. I got a fake rose. The second it touched my hand i thought of the saying "I'll love you until the last rose dies" Or in our case, our friendship will last until the last rose dies. It really made me appreciate how good of a friend she is.
She happened to get lucky today. She asked the guy she likes to grad and he said yes. Lucky kid. Oh well, maybe it will be my turn some day soon. I'll just have to wait and see i guess. (I'm really starting to hate waiting)
Hope everyone had an excellent Valentines Day. Till next time, May the odds be ever in your favour.
On the one hand, it sucked because I didn't do the one thing I swore to myself i would do. Ask the guy I like out on a date.
I'm trying things a different way this time. Usually we just start dating right then and there, but all those times didn't work out so well. So, I'm trying a different approach to things. I talked to one of my guy friends about it and he said that maybe he'll ask me out tomorrow. He had a feeling that it would happen. I'm really hoping that feeling will turn out to be true.
On the other hand, it was a good day because I got a very interesting Valentine from a good friend of mine. I got a fake rose. The second it touched my hand i thought of the saying "I'll love you until the last rose dies" Or in our case, our friendship will last until the last rose dies. It really made me appreciate how good of a friend she is.
She happened to get lucky today. She asked the guy she likes to grad and he said yes. Lucky kid. Oh well, maybe it will be my turn some day soon. I'll just have to wait and see i guess. (I'm really starting to hate waiting)
Hope everyone had an excellent Valentines Day. Till next time, May the odds be ever in your favour.
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