Thoughts While In Pain...

I grew up knowing that some day i would get married to the guy of my dreams and have kids and live happily ever after. That was how i thought my life would happen until my grade eleven year of high school.

I became friends with a girl that was in a grade younger than me and we became close friends after a few months of hanging out during lunch hours and such. Now, i'd been questioning my sexuality since the beginning of the school year so it didn't come as much of a surprise to me that i began to like her as more than just my best friend. She was the very first person i ever came out to and as it turns out, she's bisexual and had liked me for the past two months. I'm a lesbian, so when she told me she liked me, i was ecstatic.

She later told me that she still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend, but she also had feelings for me. We've been on our first date and it went excellent, which gives me a little assurance but i still worry that she will decide to be with him instead. We've talked about this all before and she always tells me she doesn't want to hurt me but she can't decide what to do about her feelings for the guy she likes. He's older than her, (much older. She's 15, almost 16, and he's 26. I'm 16, in case you were wondering) and i get the strangest pang of jealousy every time she talks about him because i know she still has really strong feeling for him. All in all, i just want to hear her decision because whatever she decides to do is fine with me as long as she's happy. Sure, i'd be heartbroken if she didn't choose me, but i'd get over it. It's not the end of the world. She's one of the most important people in the world to me.

She's a sweet girl and I'd do anything for her; she really is one of my best friends on the whole world.


DFTBA, may the odds be ever in your favor, blah blah blah the end, and ill see you later!

How Much Longer?

How much longer will i have to wait? it's been two weeks that we've both known and probably months before that that it's been going on yet we still can't move forward from this point. I just wish that for a moment you could look at this through my eyes and see what i see; feel what i feel. If only you actually knew how much i wanted this... Sadly, it's not just me in the picture. I want so badly for you to pick me, but at the same time i know how much you want to be with him and it breaks my heart to know that i might not get the chance to be in the picture much longer... I just feel like there's something more i could do to show you how much you mean to me and how much i want this but i can't seem to figure out what that something is... Maybe it's just not meant to be, and that's ok; but for this moment, right here, right now, it hurts like hell every minute. Somehow i think this is going to be one of the hardest things i've ever been through, yet i want it to happen. I want to feel the pain of rejection but i want to feel the weight lifted from my chest when i finally hear what you say. At least if it's the pain, i'll be able to feel something for a while... So many emotions to describe how i feel. I feel hurt, wanted, unwanted, sad, like i've never wanted anything more in my life, like i would do anything and everything it takes to get you. I see you everyday in school, and it used to be carefree and easy to meet and hang out, but now it's tense and emotional and anything but easy and carefree. I feel horrible for being part of the stress of deciding and no amount of self loathing or punishment could change that. Normally i would tell myself to make a pros and cons list, but if i did there wouldn't be any cons so it would defeat the purpose. Listen, all i know is that you are the most important person in my life aside from the obvious (my mom) and i don't want to risk our friendship, but i've never wanted something more than this. Do what you want to do, and i'll take what i get. Choosing the opposite of me won't make you a bad person, it just means you know what you want.