thoughts in theatre.

Friendship. It's something i have, but dont always understand. It brings people together and tears them apart. There are times when you need you friends, and times when they do something to upset you and you just want them to leave you alone for a while so you can think. I have a couple good friends, but only one best friend. She's older than me and i think of her like my big sister (even when I act more mature than she does lol) It's good to have a best friend that you can tell anything to, but sometimes you can't talk to them because they are the source of the problem and you dont want to hurt their feelings.

I've recently been in that situation. My best friend did something she said she wasnt going to do anymore and didn't tell me about it. I found out from someone else about it. I was really upset and stressed out but didn't want her to know. So i did what every other normal teenager does, and i hid my feelings. I'm not proud of it, but i had to do it. She felt so bad about it and was apologizing throughout the day. I got home that night and was so stressed and had so much anger and emotion pent up inside me that as soon as something went wrong i began to cry. I cried and talked to my mom for a good 15 minutes. I hadn't cried that much in a long time. Then way later on in the night, my best friend started texting me and asking me what was wrong, and when i didnt say anything, she called me. So i stood in my bathroom like a trooper and listened to her apologize and all that. Then she did something that caught me off guard. She brought one of my old best friends into the picture and told me she didn't deserve a friend like me and all this stuff. That set me off and i was crying...again.

There's nothing worse than having an old friend brought into an emotional conversation. It just makes you think back to all the times you had with them and how much it hurt to lose them and how they just seem to shrug off the fact that you still care about them. It tears at the space they left when they broke the friendship, and you feel the sting of the heartache. It's like when you get a cut or a scrape and it stings when you touch it, but eventually it goes away and all thats left is a scar to forever remind you of what you lost. Being reminded of that scar brings back the pain and makes it feel like its a brand new cut again.

In all honesty though, I'm starting to think that maybe what happened with her wasnt such a bad thing. i mean, sure i lost a great friendship, but it allowed me to make a new one with someone just as wonderful and amazing. So even when she fucks things up, we'll work through it because I would rather just fight and make up than lose her. She means so much to me and to lose her would be like losing a part of my soul. I'm not immortal, i cant survive a blow to my soul. I can't make a horcrux and put part of my soul in it. She really is part of me now.

And yes, i thought about all of this in about a 10 minute span in theatre class today. Crazy, i know.

Until next time, may the odds be ever in your favour.